Sunday, March 23, 2008

grace

this year, spring equinox and easter fall on the same weekend accompanied by the luminous, full moon.

what a rich and auspicious time of new beginnings.

hope and possibility float like sweet cherry blossom fragrance on the breeze.

spring has arrived with new life bursting forth all around us, except in minnesota where i hear the snow is still falling in heaps!

today has been a day of a most unexpected rebirth.

this morning i was flipping through my address book looking for a number when i stumbled upon an old friend's name. i stopped and stared at the familiar letters and the long since dialed number. i felt suspended in time for a moment. our entire history played like a movie through my mind. in the retelling of the story came a great surprise. i felt free of something i'd never before felt entirely free from. all the anger, hurt and resentment that had kept me far from her was gone. it was stunning. there had always been a prikly little remnant of unforgiven injustice somewhere inside that had convinced me to keep my distance.
there was a time when i was certain we'd never talk again due to irreconcilable differences. i had dreams about taking her name out of my cell phone and then i actually did take her name out of my cell phone. i had almost not even bothered to write her new address and phone number into my address book, thinking "why would i need that anyway, we'll never talk again." but i did. and then one day....today....i used it.

i gave myself permission to hang up immediately if she answered and i felt like i'd made a huge mistake! however, she recognized my voice right away and began laughing in her exuberant, uninhibited way. i felt so at ease i almost wept then and there. throughout our conversation i felt as though it was just yesterday that we were the best of friends, calling each other by our ridiculous nicknames, sharing everything and holding on to each other in the hard moments. yet i also felt the passage of time and all the space between that has held the immense changes in our lives and the years that i don't even know what she went through.
i heard something older in her voice, something that has endured great loss and disappointment but has also grown stronger and more spacious, harboring a deepened acceptance of the twists and turns of life. i sensed something different in me too. i heard a voice coming from inside that didn't care anymore about convincing or proving any points, it just wanted to connect again and express the kindness and love that has always been there. i finally felt clear, unrestricted access to that place where no matter what has happened there is still this great love that exists, this deep and untouched kindness that cannot be destroyed. i felt that in her too, that she cares for me from that place and always has.

it is quite amazing to really come through something with someone, especially when it spans over so many years and you go through periods of thinking you will never be able to overcome the differences and the damage that has been done. and then one day, you just pick up the phone and by grace it happens to be the perfect time for both of you. somehow your hearts have mended and you are ready to begin anew.

this is the equinox, easter promise, isn't it?

"shroud"

by: ani difranco

"i had to leave the house of fashion
and go forth naked from its doors
'cause women should be allies
and not competitors
i had to leave the house of god
because the cross replaced the wheel
and the goddesses were all out in the garden
with the plants that nurture and heal

i had to leave the house of privilege
spend christmas homeless and feeling bad
to learn privilege is a headache
that you don't know that you don't have
i had to leave the house of television
to start noticing the clouds
it's amazing the stuff you see when
you finally shed that shroud

i had leave the house of conformity
in order to make art
i had to be more and less true
to learn to tell the two apart
i had to leave the house of fear
just about as soon as i could crawl
ignore my face on a wanted poster
stuck to the post office wall

i had leave the house of self-importance
to doodle my first tattoo
to realize a tattoo is no more permanent
than i am, and who
ever said that life is suffering
i think they had their finger on the pulse of joy
ain't the power of transcendence
the greatest one we can employ"

2 comments:

marci said...

O my, what a beautiful tender sharing. Such a pure example of resurrection. Namaste

greenfrog said...

jessa -- you have refilled my metta cup today.

thanks,

s