this my excavation...

"this my excavation and today is qumran

everything that happens is from now on...

there's a black crow sitting across from me; his wiry legs are crossed

and he's dangling my keys, he even fakes a toss

whatever could it be

that has brought me to this loss?

...this is not the sound of a new (wo)man or crispy realization

it's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away

your love will be safe with me."

-excerpts from the song "re: stacks" by bon iver
-(wo) = my addition!

have a listen:

	Bon Iver - -
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

i read an interview with the lead singer of bon iver, justin vernon, and he talked about how this song hints at a slow shedding of skin, rather than a complete catharsis. "it is not about getting over things and moving forward, it is about going through the sadness, taking some of it with you and being made whole because of it."

qumran is the site where the dead sea scrolls were found in 1947. vernon speaks to his use of this metaphor by saying, "when they found them it changed the whole course of christianity, whether people wanted to know it or not. a lot of people chose to ignore it, a lot of people decided to run with it, and for many people it destroyed their faith. i think i was just looking at it as a metaphor for whatever happens after that is new shit."

"new shit!" eloquently said, eh!? but, i get it. i really get it. there seem to be times in life that are clearly marked and everything that follows that point is "from now on."

when vernon wrote this song and all of the other songs on the album "for emma, forever ago," he had taken himself on solitary retreat for three months to his father's log cabin in the middle of the woods in wisconsin. he chopped wood, wrote music and faced demons. he was at a place in his life where he needed to "clear the cobwebs." vernon says, “i think the biggest thing that happened out there was i managed to make peace with a lot of dark circles that had started to pool in different areas of my life. you know oftentimes you don’t have the time or the strength to really deal with those issues. it’s a bizarre feeling because for the six, seven years prior to that a lot of these demons had started to creep up and take hold of my life in a secretive way, so to actually face up to them was bold and kinda scary.""on your back with your racks as the stacks as your load

in the back and the racks and the stacks are your load

in the back with your racks and you're un-stacking your load"


-chorus lyrics from "re: stacks"
-acrylic painting, "rust," by marc winters

a wily subterfuge

"...only love is all maroon

gluey feathers on a flume

sky is womb and she's the moon...

only love is all maroon

lapping lakes like leary loons

leaving rope burns --

reddish ruse..."

-lyrics from "flume" by bon iver

have a listen:

	Bon Iver - Flume
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

photo: loon lake, mn

for women everywhere...

on the 36th anniversary of roe vs. wade, obama made this statement:
"on this anniversary, we must also recommit ourselves more broadly to ensuring that our daughters have the same rights and opportunities as our sons: the chance to attain a world-class education; to have fulfilling careers in any industry; to be treated fairly and paid equally for their work and to have no limits on their dreams. that is what i want for women everywhere."

yes, the sun is comin' out

the sun is comin' out, the sun is comin' out...it's gonna be a lovely day
jason mraz in paris, france

woodsmoke and northern lights

"We bid our friends goodbye
We promised we would write them
And headed north up 95
Into the great unknown
We turned up our stereo
And felt so reckless and alive
We didn't know who we would be
We didn't know where we would end up
When we headed down that road
A little food and our guitars
In the backseat and that old cello
The one that would get stolen
In a town in Idaho

And it's a long way to Michigan and back
And it's a long way
Cause it's a long way, the clouds upon our backs
And it's a long, long, long, long way

And I have never seen
Reflections of the cleanest
Of blue as the Minnesota lakes
Those were the longest nights
Of wood smoke and Northern Lights
As we talked until the morning came
The light of glowing embers
As sweet as I remember
Among the rustling of the trees
The legend of the harvest moon
And sweet ballad of the loon
I felt as ancient as I was meant to be

And it's a long way to Tennessee and back
And it's a long way
Cause it's a long way, the clouds upon our backs
And it's a long, long, long, long way

I called you from a payphone
In windy, cold Missoula
And then from Midland in the rain
A place as proud and sad as
The South Dakota badlands
It touched me more than I could explain
The dirt poor reservation
Where the Avala nation
Tries to hang on to its ways
Feather and Peyote pipe and
A six pack of Miller Light
Sits on the dashboard of a beat up Chevrolet

And it's a long way to Washington and back
And it's a long way
Cause it's a long way on the worn out heels of Kerouac
And it's a long, long, long, long way

Out in California
We touched the other ocean
And I still have that jar of sand
In the Arizona desert
The sky goes on forever
You've never seen a thing as grand
And North Montana was cold
She keeps her secrets frozen
Under glaciers way up north
And people have got lost up there
In the home of the grizzly bear
And you can ask the mountain
But the mountain doesn't care

And it's a long way to Delaware and back
And it's a long way
Cause it's a long way, the clouds up on our backs
And it's a long, long, long, long way
Cause it's a long way on the worn out heels of Kerouac
And it's a long, long, long, long way"

-antje duvekot

tipsy temple day

today taeok and i left mid-morning for a day at unmunsa, the nuns temple in nearby cheong-do. we stopped off for lunch at a traditional korean restaurant in the countryside. the rustic, log cabin ambiance was very cozy. the fluorescent lights were shaded by lanterns...blessed relief! we ordered pa-chan, which is a leek pancake with squid and oysters; kalguksu, which is a mild noodle soup with seaweed and sesame seeds; acorn jelly salad, and dong dong ju. i can't say i've ever downed dong dong ju in the middle of the day before! this particular rice wine has about a 20% alcohol content and it is served in a BIG bowl, filled to the brim. we drank it all. it goes without saying, my trip to unmunsa was quite a unique experience, like no other i've ever had at a temple!! i felt like i was floating along on a soft cloud...more giggly and enchanted by everything than usual! it was nice... on the car ride home i fell into a deep sleep! poor taeok, i think she wanted to have more riveting conversation...alas, i was out like a light.
taeok and a whoppin' serving of acorn jelly saladunmunsa
scoopin' up some holy waterembrace

the land of not quite right dining experiences

yesterday chris and i met for lunch at a fabulous oasis in this concrete jungle we call home. cafe myunga. there's even an outdoor patio that seems a world away from city streets and noise....surrounded with REAL plants and open to the sky...it took me a little while to wrap my mind around the fact that i was still in korea.
we split a bagel sandwich for lunch and cheesecake for dessert along with superb iced coffees. it's so funny because i've come to know that at every "western" meal there will be SOMETHING that is not quite right! for example - the cheesecake had the texture and flavor of vanilla mousse, not at all what we expected. and the bagel sandwich, which was on its way to being as gourmet as a bagel sandwich can possibly be, with thinly sliced apple, muenster cheese, and various veggies, had SPAM on it. yeah, they put two slices of SPAM on there. nasty. anyway, we just roll with the punches over here and feel grateful for the things that do go right! like my iced mocha...talk about a divine taste of heaven.
chris stopped to give this giant teddy bear a hug before leaving.later yesterday evening, a bunch of us met up at a mexican restaurant in siji (a nearby yuppi suburb of daegu) to celebrate jen's birthday. it was so good to catch up with everyone and relax with good company, tacos, and beer. i won't go into the "not quite right" aspects of that meal! it was good enough, considering mexican food is almost impossible to come by in these parts.

yes!!

michelle obama has planted an organic veggie and herb garden, along with a bunch of local elementary school kids who came out to help. it's the first vegetable garden at the white house since eleanor roosevelt planted a "victory garden" during WWII. if this isn't true progress, i don't know what is... every day i say a prayer of thanks that the obamas are in the white house...every day, no matter how i'm feeling, i do a dance of joy.

"One minute youre waiting for the sky to fall
The next youre dazzled by the beauty of it all...

These fragile bodies of touch and taste
This fragrant skin this hair like lace
Spirits open to the thrust of grace
Never a breath you can afford to waste..."

-from "lovers in a dangerous time" written and originally performed by bruce cockburn

here's the barenaked ladies version...have a listen:

	Barenaked Ladies - Lovers In A Dangerous Time
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

so apropos...forever ago

just discovered this group....bon iver doing a spontaneous a capella version of their song "for emma" in a paris hallway before a house concert. from the album "for emma, forever ago."

ps. HOORAY IOWA!! ROCK ON VERMONT!! come on california....let's go minnesota!

here

lost

by: david wagoner

"stand still. the trees ahead and bushes beside you
are not lost. wherever you are is called here,
and you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
must ask permission to know it and be known.
the forest breathes. listen. it answers,
i have made this place around you.
if you leave it, you may come back again, saying here.
no two trees are the same to raven.
no two branches are the same to wren.
if what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
you are surely lost. stand still. the forest knows
where you are. you must let it find you."


-from his book: "traveling light: collected and new poems"

"A Ritual to Read to Each Other"

By: William Safford

"If you don't know the kind of person I am

and I don't know the kind of person you are

a pattern that others made may prevail in the world

and following the wrong god home we may miss our star.



For there is many a small betrayal in the mind,

a shrug that lets the fragile sequence break

sending with shouts the horrible errors of childhood

storming out to play through the broken dyke.



And as elephants parade holding each elephant's tail,

but if one wanders the circus won't find the park.

I call it cruel and maybe the root of all cruelty

to know what occurs but not recognize the fact.



And so I appeal to a voice, to something shadowy,

a remote important region in all who talk:

though we could fool each other, we should consider-

lest the parade of our mutual life get lost in the dark.



For it is important that awake people be awake,

or a breaking line may discourage them back to sleep;

the signals we give-yes or no, or maybe-

should be clear: the darkness around us is deep."

spring time again

i held class outside today. the weather is warm now and the sweet scent of cherry blossoms fills the air. one of my students brought her camera to class and wanted a picture together. her english nickname is "spring!"
it's my second year of experiencing korea in full bloom...this last weekend the big cherry blossom festivals took place all over the country. people flocked in droves to the festivals to enjoy the fleeting beauty of the flowers. by next weekend they will have all fallen like pink snow to the ground replaced by sprouting green leaves.

magnolia blooms



welcome to couple-dom. spring time in korea is hyper-couple time. there are couples strolling dreamily about in their couple t-shirts, talking on their couple phones, wearing their couple rings, or riding their couple bicycles with their couple pencil cases in tote! you also find couples engaged in fire and ice couple arguments around corners of buildings or in the university halls....trouble in paradise is never too far behind the dreamy professions of spring time love.

i took the long way home today and stopped for awhile to sit on this lonesome bench under the blossoms.
fields of green...

this is it.

"always we hope

someone else has the answer.

some other place will be better,

some other time it will all turn out.



this is it.

no one else has the answer.

no other place will be better,

and it has already turned out.



at the center of your being

you have the answer;

you know who you are

and you know what you want.



there is no need

to run outside

for better seeing.



nor to peer from a window.



rather abide at the center of your being;

for the more you leave it, the less you learn.



search your heart

and see

the way to do

is to be."


--lao tzu

a steep assignment indeed

my intention upon returning to korea this semester was to set aside significant chunks of time twice a week to follow a portion of the meditation practice schedule that i had experienced on the spirit rock retreat in california this winter. it consisted of sitting meditation, walking meditation, sitting and walking, then yoga. well, needless to say, things do not always go as planned. i woke up one morning about a week or so after being back in korea and it was like everything i thought i knew was thrown into an abyss of uncertainty, and the things i'd been struggling with went further up in flames. anything i thought i had a handle on was flung a million miles out of reach. for about a month, i felt as though i was feeling my way along in pitch black darkness. i found it to be one of the most anxiety producing experiences of my life. suddenly no direction, everything completely unknown, a cloud of confusion and depression mixed with occasional frenzy settling down around me like a heavy, wet, and sometimes electric, blanket. i discovered that the only way to get through each day was to live, literally, minute to minute. to think about the next day or even the next hour would send me into anxiety.

i found that i could not meditate. i could not listen to the dharma talks given by teachers that i'd taken refuge in so many times before. i couldn't even do much yoga without breaking down into tears or feeling like my nerves were going haywire. i was shocked to not find solace in my aloneness or in the practices that had come to support me so well. i didn't have an appetite for the first couple of weeks and woke with diarrhea every morning (sorry!! i'm from the midwest and we talk openly about our bodily processes!!). this all seemed like a serious wake up call. my body desperately trying to tell me something.

the only things that seemed to alleviate some of the anxiety were to take myself to the gym, to spend time with other people (i'm so thankful that i was part of "the vagina monologues" theater production during this time), receive massage at the yoga center, and to bake! so, just about every day i put on my running shoes and went to ride the stationery bike, sometimes for over and hour...i imagined i was pedaling to africa while watching anderson cooper on CNN. i reached out to family and friends both here and far more than usual. i made way too much banana bread! i booked a massage for every thursday afternoon. shine (my massage therapist) told me several weeks ago that my spirit was always bright but she wondered lately if i felt lonely. i told her i felt a heaviness in my heart these days and that sometimes it felt like loneliness, but that i knew it wasn't about someone else making it better. she understood and said something about mother love. i said, yeah...we have to learn to be that for ourselves, don't we? her mother died when she was seventeen, so she knew what i was talking about in a way that i can't even understand.

i had a couple of intense dreams during this time.

about 10 days after returning to korea i dreamed...
i am walking down a path in a jungle that i walk every day to get where i need to go. on this path, i have to walk past a vendor with tables covered in blue tarp who also has snakes. the snakes slither to and fro across the path, so every time i pass by i am alert not to step on their slithery bodies. i feel some fear but it is so routine now that i don't think much of it. on one particular day i walk past the man, his snakes and his vending tables, and for some reason i turn around to look behind me after i've turned the corner and made it safely by. there is an unusually large snake with a big, red head over by the tables. as i look, the snake approaches me quickly. when it reaches me it levitates its entire body in the air and comes straight at my solar plexus, biting me right in the gut. i wake up filled with a rush of adrenaline and fear. i say to myself, "holy sh*t - what was THAT?!" i lay in bed awake for quite some time, wondering what on earth is going on.

i had a second dream, two weeks later...
i am in an airplane on my way back to san francisco from korea. there is sudden turbulence. i grip my seat feeling terribly afraid, but the turbulence subsides and i relax again. then suddenly the plane starts nose-diving, plummeting downward out of control. i am certain i am going to die. horrendous fear fills every cell in my body, it is totally somatic. i brace myself in preparation for the physical pain i imagine i will feel upon crashing and dying. it feels like i'm in this space of free falling, feeling as though i'm going to die with the plane diving downward for hours and hours. there is a point where i realize that maybe i will die instantly upon impact and won't feel a thing. upon this realization, i start to focus on my breathing and it calms me somewhat. suddenly we hit ocean water (i'd forgotten we were flying over the pacific) and we are all still alive. water starts gushing into the plane and we have to hurry to get out. i turn and see that the woman sitting next to me is someone i went to grad school with. she is a strong, sturdy, no nonsense woman. she gets out of the plane without grabbing her bag from the overhead compartment. i hesitate, unsure of whether or not i should leave my backpack. i decide to grab it and then i crawl quickly out of the plane onto a dock that just happens to be in the middle of the ocean!

going down in a plane has been a recurring dream for years now. i have always woken before crashing. this was the first time where the plane completed its descent. upon waking, i felt amazed and euphoric that i didn't die in the dream! i'd felt so sure that i would. in the past i've always woken filled with the rush of fear, thinking i'm going to die. but with this particular dream, i went through that feeling in the dreamstate and came out the other side, waking in awe and amazement that it had not turned out as i'd so deeply feared it would. this dream had an enormous impact on me, and i've felt in days since that it has given me access to a source of strength and courage inside that i hadn't been aware of before.

this morning, out of the blue, i decided to try meditating again. it's been almost a month and a half of not sitting. i chose to do a guided meditation led by jack kornfield, and then listened to debra chamberlain taylor's dharma talk titled "letting go into the golden wind." there is a part i'd like to share that particularly hit home...

the buddha taught, "nothing whatsoever is to be clung to as "i" or "mine." if anyone has heard this, they have heard the whole dharma. anyone who realizes this one teaching realizes the whole dharma."

debra goes on to say, "steep assignment!! why? because we cling all the time to everything, don't we?! sitting in meditation we can notice...i cling to my stories, i cling to my emotions, even when they are painful. i cling to plans, opinions, judgments..."

debra explains how the buddha did not say that we are sinful or bad for clinging so much, he simply compassionately pointed out, "my dear friends, the cause of your suffering is this clinging and the possibility of your peace and freedom is in your opening and letting go. it is the whole of the dharma."

in the tibetan buddhist teachings, it is said that "the state of enlightenment is the ultimate relaxation." imagine that....feeling completely relaxed in the body and mind, no holding or gripping, no bracing or anxious tension. just soft, languid openness...muscles fully let go, bones surrendered to gravity, mind quiet, not concerned with the clouds of thought that inevitably pass through.

one thing has emerged from this free fall into uncertainty and that is that i want to travel to kripalu in massachusetts this summer for a month-long yoga teacher training retreat. most of all, it is for the deepening of this journey of learning to let go in the body/mind...from the inside out. taking part in this in-depth training feels like the next authentic movement that wants to happen in my life. the rest still remains a mystery.